I love Obama. I seriously think he is a great man who will lead our country into years of prosperity and high fives. However I have this sick mentality that wants to see great people at their worst. I would love to have seen JFK punch a baby or MLK shoot a cop. I think I just enjoy the sick pleasure of watching good people do bad things. Possibly because I think everyone secretly wants to punch crying babies and say the f word. I just don’t buy the “he is just a good person” horseshit; everyone has a deviant baby punching side. Good people are just closet masochists; they are nice to make themselves miserable so they can pay a hooker to choke them while singing Sex Crimes by the Eurythmics.

So I found this piece of heaven on aprilwinchell.com, it is Obama reading from his book Dreams From My Father. Enjoy

Shit is way to complicated for me

There are white folks…

Sorry ass motherfucker…

Bitch nigga…

–DVR

7:15am Reno NV, Denny’s

            “Obama promised everything would change. What’s the best way to start a new era filled with hover cars, robots, and wind power? Free Breakfast.”

Now I know a lot of you were skeptical of Denny’s super bowl ad filled with promises of free breakfast. I too have heard the limerick “there is no such thing as a free meal”. Well I am here to tell you that Denny’s came through with their promise and it was an experience I will be telling my children about.

            Ok maybe that’s a bit much, however, it was an experience. I have never been in a restaurant filled with people eating like it was their only and last meal. A crazed anxiety filled the room as wait staff pushed out two eggs, two pancakes, two pieces of bacon, and two links to every dripping gob in the room. Crack heads broke bread with families of fifteen in this new spirit of destitute. Fuck. What is happening to the world when I seriously get excited about a free breakfast? I mean I get excited about most anything if it’s free, but this was something else.

In the half hour I was eating the line outside grew from ten strong to about fifty souls lined up like cattle to the slaughter. Our kids will be using footage of juggalos in groups of thirty waiting to eat animal parts as proof of our greater depression. This breakfast line was like watching a clown shoot up heroine: sad but not surprising in the least. This is what America has become, a constantly evolving ironic punch line.

Knock knock.

–dvr

I need to stop watching CNN, to much news makes Dr. Victor a dull boy…

            So in searching the interwebs today I came across a Huffington Post article that caught my eye. A PETA had has been banned from the super bowl due to its sexual nature. This is an oxymoron to me because when I think of PETA I think of old white guys with ponytails, Birkenstocks, and pocket mulch. When I watched the ad I thought it was funny, and while being sexy I didn’t find it overly sexual. I have watched super bowl ads for make your dick hard pill enough that when I see an ad that may possibly make my dick hard with out chemicals I kind of enjoy it. The best part of this whole banning is not the women walking around in almost nothing; it’s the vegetables. Now this is the list that NBC told PETA they had to re cut before they would consider the ad:

Licking pumpkin

Touching her breast with her hand while eating broccoli

Pumpkin from behind between legs

Rubbing pelvic region with pumpkin

Screwing herself with broccoli (fuzzy)

Asparagus on her lap appearing as if it is ready to be inserted into vagina

Licking eggplant

Rubbing asparagus on breast

Yeah. So it sounds like NBC has a problem with odd new veggies being sexualized. Come on “licking eggplant”? What the hell does that suggest? She likes eggplant, let her lick it. My issue is that NBC is just not recognizing the satire of the whole ad. At the end of the ad you have the phrase “Vegetarians Make Better Lovers”, this takes the ad from vegetable porn to comedy. I think that when you make sex funny you allow for it humanized and recognized as a universal human need. Come on, pumpkins…. that shit is funny.

–dvr

‘Veggie Love’: PETA’s Banned Super Bowl Ad

           So for the past few days I have been watching my favorite shows, reading my favorite blogs, and enjoying my favorite comic strips. One thing I have noticed across the board is that the quality of humor has slightly dropped. When watching the “Daily Show” or reading “Get Your War On”, I was slightly disappointed. We are entering, hopefully, an era of prosperity and super radness. How is this funny?           

            Conflict and juxtapositions are the crutch of a lot of our current comedy outlets. Take “Boondocks” for instance, the principal character Huey spends his day bitching about the state of things and talking about Marxist revolutions. What will he talk about when things go great? Now I am not hoping things go bad, I just feel that most of our comedy is topical and people will have very little to joke about when they are two busy agreeing and high fiveing. Hopefully we will see a rise in absurd well-written character based comedy. But odds are we will have 8 years of sitcom comedy about how hard it is to pronounce the names of Ikea furniture. Fuck.

Oh. Happy Birthday To Me.

-DVR

Every now and again an invention comes along that changes the course of human history. Inventions like the computer, the smallpox vaccine, and now the Snuggie.

            Have you ever been under a blanket and saw your dim temperature changing future flash before your eyes as you contemplated the necessity of a changed channel? Have you ever sat warm under your comforter enjoying your favorite book when the realization of you having to flip the page caused a prolonged psychotic episode that ended in a failed maggrage and two murdered children? Well I have friends no longer will I suffer with the weight of this anxiety because god himself has shown us the answer. The Snuggie is a blanket with…SLEEVES!!! This allows you to no longer live under the tyrannical rule of your heater because you are your own damn heater now. You can just stroll around the universe (in style I might add) at the perfect fleece controlled temperature mocking the mortals around you as they suffer and slowly die of frostbite.

            Here is my prediction: two years from now those of you who bought the Snuggie will become the master race and enslave those who were foolish enough not to take advantage of the obvious practicality. So if you don’t have one then get one…stupid.

–dvr

Long Live The New Flesh

            She stood there letting the rain drip off her lips and onto her body with an elegance reserved for animals in heat. She kissed you as she pulled your shirt collar into her and whispered slowly into your ear, “I need you”.

            Boner. Men and women have a pretty quality understanding of how to make this happen. Men know what they want, and most women understand that we want them. However, there is a phenomenon unique to women, a kind of animalistic arousal of more than their fancy lady parts. For your consideration I would like to present to you:

The Clit Boner.

Now I have observed the Clit Boner in many a circumstance. It is not as simple as, “wow that shit is hot” or “that guy/girl turns me on”. It is more about a sexual activation, an allowance of sexuality. The majority of Clit Boners I have observed have been in the vicinity of a dance floor. It starts with a song, like for instance Hillary Duff’s “Reach Out”, and its all pitched tents from there. Women will feel this overwhelming urge not just to dance, but to borderline fuck in public. It isn’t just shitty pop music, can be any song dealing with a women and her sexual necessity. Her overwhelming desire not to make love or be saved, but to get fucked. Madonna has this shit down to a science, her songs will make most middle aged house wives feen for fucking like her lack of dick may possibly cause death. The Clit Boner is a beautiful and magical thing. So next time you are out and you hear a song that makes all the women in the room dry hump like it’s the new black, take note, you are in the presence of the Clit Boner.

Get Fucked.

–dvr

Friends I am no medical doctor, this fact upsets me. Why can’t I be a doctor? I’m full of random make-believe medical facts. Nine times out of ten these facts are way more interesting than any “smoking give you cancer” malarkey. With this being said I give you:

DVR’s 10 Made Up Medical Facts

10: As you get older your tribal tattoo will spread and age until it reads “I HAVE HIV”.

9: Retarded people are two hundred times stronger than the average human (Lenny…)

8: Every time you pose in a picture with the “Shocker” you mom is forty times more likely to get cervical cancer.

7: Drinking whiskey makes you bullet proof.

6: Still listening to Sublime will give you ear herpes.

5: Black people are only better at sports than you if you are smarter than them.

4: I ejaculate sprite.

3: High fives fight influenza

2: Ryan Seacrest has a vagina.

1: The gum disease gingivitis was made up by the Jews to make you buy Listerine.

Happy Monday.